A Poem - Finis-en avec moi, mon ange! (Finish me off, my angel!), by Michelle Murphy
The world is dying, people are passing.
Or going elsewhere, to Hell.
I'm grieving, there's a pit before me,
There's nothing tangible that tastes good left.
I'm about to take a dive.
Yet if I focus my faith on two things:
A will to live, and faith in other people's goodness,
I can carry on.
I have no spirit right now for a religious life.
I only have this tightly bound leather,
Holding together some organs and blood,
Trying to revive my stone heart.
I am bruised, I am broken, but soon
I may find some motivation
To come back from the dead,
From the stone grave located in my chest.
Pray for me!
I quit a show today I didn't totally come
To terms with until recently.
Am I on Stage?
I give up on inspiration - if it will only leave me alone!
Inspiration sourced from others driving me down,
Down a long spiral staircase to the pit.
I'm about to take a dive!
From whom does this sourced knowledge originate
That is in my head?
While You ban torture, I am tortured by day.
Day - the time when the sun is supposed to shine brightly,
And for good cause.
Instead it reveals and reveals and reveals -
No privacy here!
Depart from me, the One, You -
You who summons about frivolous tasks,
Stay gone from my head,
Lord make it so!
And Lord free me from my own thoughts too.
Hear my groans and grunts.
I miss my heart, I hate my mind,
All that seems left is some good lipstick,
And cheap beer.
That's all there is of value in Hell.
Sunshine - shine no more!
Instead leave me alone!
There is no glory in this work.
Finis-en avec moi, mon ange!
(Finish me off, my angel!)
Give me more courage.
Tomorrow is another day...
[one tear finally rolling down cheek]
It's a broken Hallelujah!
I wrote this poem under the influence of suicidal tendencies. I had a moment where all was lost from my faith except two small things: (1) a will to live (kind of), (2) hope in the goodness of others (a.k.a. there is some good in the world); else I had given up completely on beauty, goodness and God. I was over-burdened, often in sheer terror mode, and mentally plagued. The poem started out a prayer for death - to be "finished off by the angels", but is interlaced with glimpses of hope and motivation for something better on the horizon. And then a last stanza that offered a clear choice to death - a cry out to God for courage. My heart softened just enough to get a tear, resulting in what I call a broken Hallelujah (like praising God on your knees in a broken state). And so the will to live triumphs in a poem with suicidal notes. Praise God!
Dear God, I do not wish to see tomorrow and pray for death. But I see an alternative. If you can give me more courage then tomorrow will be another day. If you can soften my heart I may be moved to tears, and my burden may become bearable again. If you can give me peace of mind and send the demons away from me, I may live a long time. Deliver me from the pit of Hell, wake me from my nightmares, and inspire me to notice the small blessings in life. Remove the thoughts and goings-on that torture me by day, and allow me a good reprieve when sleeping by night. Else, send your angels to finish me off. I want to live, and I need good people in my life. My faith is weak, but I can hold onto those two things. Stay beside me around-the-clock as Satan is tempting me this very moment, and I am spiritually weak. I do not deserve Your blessings, but ask humbly on my knees for Your help! Amen.
Michelle is a woman of depth whose faith has pulled her through some difficult times. She finds beauty and inspiration from life experience and literature, sourced from all ages and walks of life. Michelle seeks to inspire other women in their personal journeys, especially those who struggle. Michelle is also a mental health advocate, writer & engineer. Her other website is www.freemindbooks.com.