To My Husband I Mourn

DEVOTIONAL WRITING

​poem, A Letter to my Husband About the World

​"I think
When the winter comes
And the skies become overcast
That you too enter the blue lake
And reflect on things.

The tables turn
Because I am usually 
The one
In the blue lake
Your complex mind is usually settled on things.

In the blue lake
Love carries
But it is not enough
For the world weighs heavy
I love you anyway.

The holographic nature of the world
Means it's a bit robotic
We are tied too much to the 
Next world
It’s a conspiracy.

​The grand order must enter the blue lake.
I love them too."

by your wife Michelle Murphy (married name). I remember when I first set this poem out for you to read after the night I wrote it.



DEVOTIONAL MESSAGE
Here is a beautiful picture of our little baby the day I brought her home, Midnight. You were there that night and you loved her at first encounter. Since then she has led optimistically putting it down to a thrill of a lifetime adventure with us and now you have passed away from our sight. I remember one of our first fun dates under pressure under our second phase of marriage when we went to Chili's as a beautiful couple and you introduced me to everyone over a broadcast that I was your wife even though I am not a gorgeous woman. Sometimes I am outrageously bold but else times I come across as a housewife and engineer with nothing special to toss around. Tonight is another night you would be proud of me as I have healed people. We continue to be safe but I know not what for if you are not here. I wanted to be the last samurai as well the other day and here I am. Wretched am I. Wretched have I been for nearly 2 years and if it were not for love and romance to kindle me through I would have no reason to smile on the inside from day to day like I do. You got by that way too. We are in the blue lake as strangers from a distant land enter our home to hurt this tiny family but God has been providing somehow. Something Greater works through so many people in our lives too. So many people have lost loved ones lately that I know of, and we all grieve in our own way hoping to have someone to hold dear to, but mostly I am in a land of strangers trying to feel something real. Peace has entered my life lately on a somewhat grander scale but I am enraged for the world and the blue lake becomes hard to reflect upon. My heart only knows pain but my mind carried me through and I was able to heal my gut just the other day by anointing myself with oil and blackening out my eyes and walking through the darkness at night. I am at a loss of idea and longterm thinking other than to carry on. I am blessed in so many ways by being able to talk to so many famous people and loved people from my past remotely. In some ways I have become one of the luckiest people on the planet by being able to make a decision only honorable leaders have the occasion to make from time to time on behalf of millions and millions more of people.  I know not how, but yet I do know how, but yet I am at a loss of it as there is no sure way to make sense of it from the rear view mirror or on cinematography from a telescope from afar. I am ready to carry on and make love and poetry and dance and meet once again with the everyday neighbors in the Knoxville area but the journey of this nightmare has not ended. I wonder about you. You are my hero with a badge of love for everyday people that carried the burdens I have carried for 2 years for a lifetime and I want to sing your melody for the rest of my life, but I keep getting deceived by strangers carrying your name. There is nothing for me to forgive you for, for you did what the Bible prescribed in one major part, you risked your life for me in a way that reminds me of the way Jesus gave his life for each and every saint. You are in my heart always no matter what happens, as we have it on a good note and that's all I want it to be is on a good note between us I mean, and I don't know what that means right now, but my prayer candle is lit in your honor.

DEVOTIONAL PRAYER

Dear God,
How wretched have been me and my family and some of my extended family.  Hear my prayer and take over my love life completely if you have not yet already as has happened over the last 40 years. I have loved so deeply among friends and family and lost so deeply among friends and family that the blessing is that I have truly felt. I am ready to go to sleep tonight and wake up to a new day ablaze with rainbows and sunshine and heartfelt people. Hear my sigh for everyone around the world in wake or sleep and pierce our hearts with something that matters. Something that matters has both evaded me and subjected me all throughout the years.  I am ready for all my memories to resurface if it is not against your will.  Let me raise my freedom flag of this great country soon enough in honor of my full freedom from a life strapped down and no matter what I ask for the blessing to stay free in my home and away from my evil pursuers. I love you very much. Brian too and Midnight too and so many others that I love romantically and from my past, present and future. Thanks for using me in a great way and keep straight my path.
​Amen.